Self-Image, and the Road to Recovery

            I’ve felt inclined to write about self-image, and what it’s meant to me throughout my life. This article is going to be very personal, and it will go over very personal details about my life. I want to point out that, in no way do I blame anyone in my life for what has ultimately made me who I am. We are all given tests and trials in this life, and it is how we handle them that shape us for better, or for worse.

            Growing up, I was always a chubby little kid. I don’t know where it started, but I became overly aware of my weight in Elementary School, when I was in fifth grade. I recall my mom taking me to several doctors, and the doctors would ask me questions about what I ate, and give my mom recommendations on my diet. I didn’t understand what was going on, I just knew that I was being told that I was over what I should weigh for someone my age, and that if I continued on that course, I would be more and more over that amount as the years went by. I even went to a specific doctor and had a full physical, with blood drawn, and was placed on a diet plan, where I would actually drink a diet drink each morning. I really didn’t understand much about this at the time, but I didn’t like it. I knew from doctors, that depending on what I ate, and the amount I ate, would ultimately mirror whether or not I would drop down to the weight I was “supposed to be” for my age, height, etc. At that age, I didn’t care about “dieting”. All that mattered to me was recess, cartoons, playing with friends, and fun holidays, not worrying about what I was eating, or what I weighed.

            Take a step back. Over the years, and by stumbling through journals, and coming to know my mom more as we grew and matured, Alex and I know that she had a very rough childhood. Born almost twenty years later than both of her older siblings, she grew up being emotionally abused and brought down by both her sister and her mother. They both gave her a very poor self-image through stories and situations that are not mine to share, but that damaged her through the years. I know that my mom was doing what she thought was best for me in taking me to these doctor’s and putting me on diet plans, because she didn’t want me to be teased and brought down the same way she was. I put no blame on my mother for what these situations have caused. She really was trying to help me, but did not know the rippling effects that would trickle through my life because of these situations. So as I continue with my story, please take my side in putting no blame upon my mother. As a mother, I know you want what is best for your children, and through trial and error, you find out how to give that to them as much as possible. No one is perfect, and again, we are all given situations in our lives that shape us into we become. It’s what we do with those situations, and how we learn and grow, that will ultimately benefit, or break us.

            So, even though I had gone to multiple doctors, was being taught the difference between healthy foods and non-healthy foods, and had been put on a diet, none of it mattered to me. I would still find ways to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. Sometimes I would watch portions, and sometimes I wouldn’t. I could tell it was starting to scare and frustrate my mom, because I couldn’t see that, in her eyes, she really was trying to help me from becoming classified as overweight, and I wasn’t listening. But I was also starting to understand what was happening. I had started coming across situations at school, where kids would call me fat. I don’t remember them specifically, I just know they happened, and that it hurt. I had a particular comment that would stick with me forever. Someone told me that I needed to start losing weight, because boys don’t like chubby girls. From that point on, that has been a phrase that would stay with me through the years. Be careful what you say to others. You really never know the effect it will have on their lives. I’ve had roommates, friends, and even boyfriends, who have said things about my weight, or parts of my body that I am self-conscious about, that I will never forget, and have had very negative effects on how I viewed myself. It is only through my relationship with Christ that I have moved past the milestones in my journey.

Through the rest of elementary I still didn’t focus entirely on dieting, but I was still on diet plans, and I did try to eat healthy. As I moved into junior high, I was very self-conscious of myself, and dreaded PE for the simple fact that I had to change clothes in front of other girls, and I was bigger than them. I felt that everyone around me was skinny, and I wasn’t. No boys liked me, and I still had times where I was being called fat. And in the crazy-mess of adolescence, I started to fall into a mind-set that a lot of girls and women struggle with. I had a very poor self-image, and I felt like I was hopeless in trying to lose weight. So, along with a friend, we started our own “diet plan”. We would eat less than 500 calories per day, and drink mountain dew (which usually took up some of those calories), and go running at night. I dropped pounds quickly, but never told anyone it was because I was nearly starving myself. But, because I have a larger bone structure, and muscle from the sports I’ve played, I could never drop down to the smaller sizes that I was hoping for. It took me years to realize that because of my genetics, that just wasn’t going to be possible, and there is nothing wrong with that.

As the years have passed by, I have struggled with my self-image daily. I stayed around the same weight for most of my high school years, and going into college, it stayed within 10 lbs. But I’ve still always thought that I was chubby. I’ve tried countless diets. Anything from Hydroxycut, to the Atkins’s diet, to a diet that is similar to the HCG. And do you know what I have found out? None of those diets matter. Really. THEY. DO. NOT. MATTER. Do you know what does? The fact that your Father in Heaven loves you for WHO YOU ARE. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or if your thighs don’t touch, or if you can’t fit into a size 0 pant size. None of those things matter! What matters to Him, is who you are on the inside, and who you are becoming, day-in-and-day-out. He wants us each to love ourselves, and our individuality. There is not an image that we are each “suppose to look like”, and Satan is pushing hard to make that the case. It’s wrong, and over the years, and with help from God, I have realized this. It is through this realization that I have slowly started working toward a better self-image.

            In my last blog post, I talked about the goals I had set, and that I was overweight at the time, and through my goals I started dropping weight. This is all true. But in dropping that weight, I did not go on any crazy diets. I ate each day, every meal, but I paid attention to what I was eating. I cut back on fast food, and started taking lunches to work. I tried hard to eat fruits and vegetables each day, and cut back on sweets. I have since bought a juicer, and I try to make green smoothies as often as I can, because I know that I want to eat healthy not intentionally to drop weight, but because I want to have a healthy body, and over the years, and with all of the crazy diets I’ve done, my body has been less than healthy. God gave us our bodies as a gift, and in comparison to a temple, do we not strive to keep a temple clean? That’s similarly how we should treat our bodies, and eating healthy is a big step in that direction. I’ve also had to take on a new look at my body image. I had to stop listening to what the media was telling me, and even what some doctors would say. I’ve found myself looking on websites to see what they consider a healthy weight for someone my age, my height, etc. Don’t do that. My body structure, my genetics, my metabolism, they are all different from yours. Just because it tells me that I should weigh a certain amount, does not mean that I should. That website does not know my body make-up, and so that website should not make an expectation on what I should weigh. I am healthy, I am happy. Do my thighs touch? Yes, they do! And they probably always will! And that is okay. It has taken me a long time to realize it, but it really is okay. We are all different, and no body is the same. Do I still struggle with comparing myself to other girls? Yes, every day. But as I rely on God, and become closer to Him, I have slowly started progressing toward understanding my self-worth, and realizing that I really need to stop comparing. It is also something that is damning to the soul. He has helped me every inch of the way; He has helped transform my negative thought patterns about myself, and has helped my start seeing myself through His eyes. It’s not always easy, I still have tough days, but with our Savior’s help, I can conquer anything.