I Want To Be Just Like . . . Me.

           

Quite recently, I’ve come to realize the need to love myself more than I ever have before. Maybe it’s because you learn more about yourself as you grow older, or maybe I’ve learned that I’m never going to be anyone else, and I will always be Teri.

I compare myself to others, daily. Now there are good ways you can compare, and there are, of course, the more negative ways. For a long time, I was comparing negatively. That person is smarter, I feel insignificant. This person is a more approachable and open person, I feel shut down. That person does everything right with their life, I make mistake after mistake. You get the idea. As each day passed, I felt more and more down about myself, because I was looking at what I thought made everyone else great and wonderful, and that I never had any of these qualities. I felt sorry for myself, and because I was so down, I was losing sight of who I was, and what I had to offer. This is not a good thought process to get caught up in.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are taught that God gives each and everyone one of us gifts. We each have our own gifts that bless our lives, as well as the lives of others. Some gifts are immediate and apparent in our lives, while others may take years to unfold and manifest themselves. I believe that each of these gifts is given to us for a reason, and that they truly do our lives and the lives of others. One person may have the gift of music, and can play a tune on a piano that can so easily invite the Spirit and touch the soul. Others may have the gift of working their way through school to become a brilliant surgeon, to save the lives of many. There are small gifts, like being that person who always makes someone’s day brighter, because you look for the good in others, and you feel the need to let them know. Another may find it easy to read and understand the scriptures, and can gain a wonderful testimony from it and strengthen the testimonies of others by sharing their own. I can keep going on and on, but what it boils down to is what we do with our gifts, and whether or not we use them, or even acknowledge them. If one does not practice the piano, will you ever become the pianist that touches the lives of many with your song? If you stray from school and stop working towards graduating, will you ever become the surgeon that saves lives? Or even, if you’re so down about yourself, and focusing on your own depressing thoughts or selfish desires, will you look for the good in those around you, and try to bless the lives of others? Probably not. These are just examples, but because of my tunnel vision, and my constant comparison of all of the good qualities of others that I felt I did not have, I lost sight of the good qualities in myself, and the wonderful gifts that God has blessed me with became dormant.

I will share with you the experience that brought all of this to light. My sister is a wonderful, inspiring woman. She is an example to me in many, many ways, but most especially, she is an example of that which is GOOD. She is a spiritual giant. She stands firm in her beliefs, and is never afraid to share them. She stands up for what is right, even if she is standing alone. She is very knowledgeable with the gospel, and has a strong relationship with Christ. I have always admired this in her. But because of my own personal weaknesses, until recently, I was jealous of these qualities. I felt that I would never be as spiritual, and that I would always be in her shadow. I thought that others would think less of me, because I could never be as strong, or as knowledgeable in the gospel. Needless to say, I was negatively comparing. Because I was so busy comparing and feeling sorry for myself, I was allowing Satan into my life, and therefore missing out on opportunities to grow, as well as losing sight of my gifts, and losing sight of Teri. Negatively comparing yourself to others is never something you should do. It’s self-destructive, it’s selfish, and most importantly, it drives away the Spirit. It did all of these things to me.

A few months ago, I was talking with someone about these feelings and comparisons I was having, and that I felt like I would never add up. I think I was expecting sympathy, but I received none of that, which I am extremely grateful for. This person was bold, and said exactly what I needed to hear. “Why are you comparing yourself to your sister? She IS very spiritual, but so are you. You are both spiritual in different ways. Instead of comparing yourself to her, why are you not happy for her? Happy that she IS a spiritual giant? Happy that she IS an example to so many?” It took weeks for that to sink in. Then I realized, instead of comparing and thinking that I will never add up, why don’t I accept that having Alex as my sister is a gift? Having her as a shining example in my life is a gift. It’s also a gift to many others. She has a way of touching the lives of many for good. She has touched my life; it just took me a lesson or two, as well as some humbling words from a friend to realize it. Alex is a quiet encouragement to never give up, to trust in the Lord, and to stay strong and steadfast in the gospel, no matter what. God has blessed me by making her my sister, and He has both blessed and humbled me in showing me that everyone has their different strengths. We are all different for a reason, and we all have different talents, abilities, and even lessons for that reason.

Since I’ve come to this realization, and with a lot of help from Christ, I’ve done a whole lot less of my negative comparing, and a whole lot more focusing on my strengths, gifts, and what I have to offer. I’ve looked for the examples that I can allow others to be in my life, and by doing so it has helped me grow individually. I know that just because someone may be talented in a specific area, or may excel or be very successful at something, it does not make them better than me. And with roles reversed, just because I have strength in a specific area, it will never make me better than anyone else. As individual’s we are our own worst critics. We are hard on ourselves day in and day out. If we only saw the potential that God sees in us, and what He knows that we are capable of doing, and becoming, we would accomplish some pretty amazing stuff. We would believe in ourselves so much more, and we would know of our worth. I’ve also become happy with who I am. I know my strengths, and I know my weakness, but I also know that God gave me all of these things specifically. He knows us better then we know ourselves, and through Him, we can know of our gifts, and how they can bless our lives, and the lives of others. I have many, many examples in my life, and many people that unknowingly give me the encouragement to do a little better each day, to be a little more kind, to work a little harder, to be more giving of my time. But at the end of the day, there is no one I would rather be, then me.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

            One of my all-time favorite quotes:

                       

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

                                                -Emerson

            This quote has come to me, time and time again, through many times in my life. The most recent was when I was deciding whether or not to go back to school. I’ve never been completely dedicated to school. All through junior high and high school, I barely passed in the classes I didn’t care for, and I did well in the classes I liked, just because I enjoyed what I was doing. But I’ve never really dived into my education and getting good grades.

            Attending college after I graduated high school was just a step. The next step in life, right? What was expected? What you were “supposed to do”? I attended my first semester and got good grades in a couple classes, and barely passing in the others, just like high school. The next semester was even worse. I stopped going to all classes half way through the semester. Over the next three years I either took a semester off, or would sign up, and just stop going. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just didn’t care. I wasn’t interested in my major, and I really wasn’t interested in school. I only went because I felt like that was what you were supposed to do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do. Either my social life became more important, or I became overwhelmed with school and so gave up, or I had personal situations that would arise and I would attend to those instead. Needless to say, my academic standing was in shambles, and I had a pretty low GPA. I stopped attending college at the age of twenty-one, and I wasn’t planning on going back.

            Years went by. Literally. I was a supervisor for the company I worked for, and doing rather well for myself. I knew that I could move up in the company if I wanted to, and had considered doing so for a long time. But ever so slowly, a desire for school--for knowledge; for learning--started creeping back into my life. Around the age of twenty-four, I thought about trying to go back, but quickly dismissed it. I was on academic probation, I didn’t even know if they would let me in. Not to mention, I had no idea what I wanted to pursue anymore, and because of some bad choices I had made a couple years prior, it was nearly impossible for me to attend school at the moment.

            A year goes by. Past choices are further behind me that made it impossible to go to school, and the thought keeps coming back to me to further my education. Was I ready? Was this what I wanted to do? Was I willing to put forth the time, the effort? I knew that if I went back it was my last shot. All bridges had been burned prior, and if I didn’t show the university that I was serious this time, I would be kicked out. Was that a risk I was willing to take?

            During this time, a dear friend of mine, Tyler Brklacich, was giving me subtle jabs and pokes about going back to school. Any time I would bring up my doubts on whether or not they would let me start again, he would always dismiss them with encouragement. He knew they would let me in, and he would use whatever pull he could to make sure of it.

As a side note, Tyler is now the Student Body President at the Utah Valley University, and he is an individual that continuously touches the lives of all those he meets. He has been an example of kindness and strength to me many times in my life, and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know that I would have gone back to school.

            It was at this time that the quote came to me, again.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

            Yes, I would be going back at the age of twenty-six, and I would still have many years of school ahead of me before I would graduate. Yes, I would have to put a lot of time and effort to be in good-standing with the university again. A lot was being put on the line. But I also knew, without a doubt, that it’s what I needing to do with my life. God was prompting me down a path that I needed to go, and as long as I was willing to do my part, He would help me every inch of the way.

So, I applied to go back to school for the Spring of 2014, after not attending school for over five years. And this time, I have chosen to study Behavioral Science, with a minor in Family Studies. Something I have a passion for; a desire to learn. Was it easy being re-accepted? Not even a little bit. I can’t count how many forms I had to fill out, or how many letters I had to write to the school explaining why I had failed before, and why it would not happen again. Tyler helped me out tremendously with letters of recommendations, time and time again. But by the grace of God, they let me back in.

I share this story because I know at times we question ourselves; we doubt. We doubt what we are capable of, or we give ourselves excuses that “it is too late”. It is never too late. This goes for anything that is going on in our lives. Whether it’s a relationship that needs mending, or a goal you’ve set for yourself that you’ve failed at each time before. It’s never too late. It can be as simple as starting up a talent you’ve always dreamed of, or changing bad habits, or drawing closer to God. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE. And if, in some way you have a desire to improve yourself, and your life, why would you not want to try it? If you turn to your Heavenly Father, and seek His guidance in whatever dreams, goals, or changes you want to make, HE WILL HELP YOU. He is there for each of us; all we need to do is humble ourselves and turn to Him. I have a testimony of this. I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for His hand in my life, and the guidance He has given me. So don’t be afraid to pick up where you left off. Don’t be afraid to achieve. Don’t be afraid to grow.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

Self-Image, and the Road to Recovery

            I’ve felt inclined to write about self-image, and what it’s meant to me throughout my life. This article is going to be very personal, and it will go over very personal details about my life. I want to point out that, in no way do I blame anyone in my life for what has ultimately made me who I am. We are all given tests and trials in this life, and it is how we handle them that shape us for better, or for worse.

            Growing up, I was always a chubby little kid. I don’t know where it started, but I became overly aware of my weight in Elementary School, when I was in fifth grade. I recall my mom taking me to several doctors, and the doctors would ask me questions about what I ate, and give my mom recommendations on my diet. I didn’t understand what was going on, I just knew that I was being told that I was over what I should weigh for someone my age, and that if I continued on that course, I would be more and more over that amount as the years went by. I even went to a specific doctor and had a full physical, with blood drawn, and was placed on a diet plan, where I would actually drink a diet drink each morning. I really didn’t understand much about this at the time, but I didn’t like it. I knew from doctors, that depending on what I ate, and the amount I ate, would ultimately mirror whether or not I would drop down to the weight I was “supposed to be” for my age, height, etc. At that age, I didn’t care about “dieting”. All that mattered to me was recess, cartoons, playing with friends, and fun holidays, not worrying about what I was eating, or what I weighed.

            Take a step back. Over the years, and by stumbling through journals, and coming to know my mom more as we grew and matured, Alex and I know that she had a very rough childhood. Born almost twenty years later than both of her older siblings, she grew up being emotionally abused and brought down by both her sister and her mother. They both gave her a very poor self-image through stories and situations that are not mine to share, but that damaged her through the years. I know that my mom was doing what she thought was best for me in taking me to these doctor’s and putting me on diet plans, because she didn’t want me to be teased and brought down the same way she was. I put no blame on my mother for what these situations have caused. She really was trying to help me, but did not know the rippling effects that would trickle through my life because of these situations. So as I continue with my story, please take my side in putting no blame upon my mother. As a mother, I know you want what is best for your children, and through trial and error, you find out how to give that to them as much as possible. No one is perfect, and again, we are all given situations in our lives that shape us into we become. It’s what we do with those situations, and how we learn and grow, that will ultimately benefit, or break us.

            So, even though I had gone to multiple doctors, was being taught the difference between healthy foods and non-healthy foods, and had been put on a diet, none of it mattered to me. I would still find ways to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. Sometimes I would watch portions, and sometimes I wouldn’t. I could tell it was starting to scare and frustrate my mom, because I couldn’t see that, in her eyes, she really was trying to help me from becoming classified as overweight, and I wasn’t listening. But I was also starting to understand what was happening. I had started coming across situations at school, where kids would call me fat. I don’t remember them specifically, I just know they happened, and that it hurt. I had a particular comment that would stick with me forever. Someone told me that I needed to start losing weight, because boys don’t like chubby girls. From that point on, that has been a phrase that would stay with me through the years. Be careful what you say to others. You really never know the effect it will have on their lives. I’ve had roommates, friends, and even boyfriends, who have said things about my weight, or parts of my body that I am self-conscious about, that I will never forget, and have had very negative effects on how I viewed myself. It is only through my relationship with Christ that I have moved past the milestones in my journey.

Through the rest of elementary I still didn’t focus entirely on dieting, but I was still on diet plans, and I did try to eat healthy. As I moved into junior high, I was very self-conscious of myself, and dreaded PE for the simple fact that I had to change clothes in front of other girls, and I was bigger than them. I felt that everyone around me was skinny, and I wasn’t. No boys liked me, and I still had times where I was being called fat. And in the crazy-mess of adolescence, I started to fall into a mind-set that a lot of girls and women struggle with. I had a very poor self-image, and I felt like I was hopeless in trying to lose weight. So, along with a friend, we started our own “diet plan”. We would eat less than 500 calories per day, and drink mountain dew (which usually took up some of those calories), and go running at night. I dropped pounds quickly, but never told anyone it was because I was nearly starving myself. But, because I have a larger bone structure, and muscle from the sports I’ve played, I could never drop down to the smaller sizes that I was hoping for. It took me years to realize that because of my genetics, that just wasn’t going to be possible, and there is nothing wrong with that.

As the years have passed by, I have struggled with my self-image daily. I stayed around the same weight for most of my high school years, and going into college, it stayed within 10 lbs. But I’ve still always thought that I was chubby. I’ve tried countless diets. Anything from Hydroxycut, to the Atkins’s diet, to a diet that is similar to the HCG. And do you know what I have found out? None of those diets matter. Really. THEY. DO. NOT. MATTER. Do you know what does? The fact that your Father in Heaven loves you for WHO YOU ARE. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or if your thighs don’t touch, or if you can’t fit into a size 0 pant size. None of those things matter! What matters to Him, is who you are on the inside, and who you are becoming, day-in-and-day-out. He wants us each to love ourselves, and our individuality. There is not an image that we are each “suppose to look like”, and Satan is pushing hard to make that the case. It’s wrong, and over the years, and with help from God, I have realized this. It is through this realization that I have slowly started working toward a better self-image.

            In my last blog post, I talked about the goals I had set, and that I was overweight at the time, and through my goals I started dropping weight. This is all true. But in dropping that weight, I did not go on any crazy diets. I ate each day, every meal, but I paid attention to what I was eating. I cut back on fast food, and started taking lunches to work. I tried hard to eat fruits and vegetables each day, and cut back on sweets. I have since bought a juicer, and I try to make green smoothies as often as I can, because I know that I want to eat healthy not intentionally to drop weight, but because I want to have a healthy body, and over the years, and with all of the crazy diets I’ve done, my body has been less than healthy. God gave us our bodies as a gift, and in comparison to a temple, do we not strive to keep a temple clean? That’s similarly how we should treat our bodies, and eating healthy is a big step in that direction. I’ve also had to take on a new look at my body image. I had to stop listening to what the media was telling me, and even what some doctors would say. I’ve found myself looking on websites to see what they consider a healthy weight for someone my age, my height, etc. Don’t do that. My body structure, my genetics, my metabolism, they are all different from yours. Just because it tells me that I should weigh a certain amount, does not mean that I should. That website does not know my body make-up, and so that website should not make an expectation on what I should weigh. I am healthy, I am happy. Do my thighs touch? Yes, they do! And they probably always will! And that is okay. It has taken me a long time to realize it, but it really is okay. We are all different, and no body is the same. Do I still struggle with comparing myself to other girls? Yes, every day. But as I rely on God, and become closer to Him, I have slowly started progressing toward understanding my self-worth, and realizing that I really need to stop comparing. It is also something that is damning to the soul. He has helped me every inch of the way; He has helped transform my negative thought patterns about myself, and has helped my start seeing myself through His eyes. It’s not always easy, I still have tough days, but with our Savior’s help, I can conquer anything.

            Here goes my first post! Please bear with me through each of these. I hope and pray that as I post each one, that not only will they get better with time, but they will be beneficial, helpful, insightful, etc., to someone who reads them.

My Happiness Project: Finding Yourself

Over eight months ago, I was a completely different person. My life was a roller coaster of events, both positive and negative, but I was slowly going down a path in life that I didn’t want to travel, and in doing so, it was changing me into someone I didn’t want to be. So I changed.

Now let’s not jump ahead of ourselves, this was not something that happened overnight, or even within a month. It has been a slow, slow process. I would compare it to the tortoise and the hair, only that the race hasn’t ended yet. But because of the LDS gospel, and our Savior, I have an answer to how it could turn out, if I keep moving forward in the right direction, with my Savior’s help each step of the way.

I was not an active member of the church eight months ago, and this was not my first time being inactive in my life. I have never stopped believing in the gospel, or any of its teachings, but I had decided to take a break from it all. I wasn’t living my life the way I should, and I had made some choices that in turn, caused a negative domino effect toward other choices. I had become a stranger to myself in some ways, and I felt an emptiness--a sadness in my life.

--Now, as a side note, I love self-help books. I love any type of informative book, that helps you learn more about yourself, about others, about improving, expanding your ideas on different things, enlightenment, how the mind works, and the list goes on and on.--

As each day passed, I continued to fall deeper into this black hole of negativity. I stumbled across a book that I had purchased several months before, called, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, and figured it might be worth it to finally start reading. It wasn’t what I had expected, but it was better in so many ways. In a nutshell, this wonderful woman talks about how she wanted to find more happiness in her life, and that it wasn’t just going to fall in her lap, she had to find it, create it, and BE it. She sets goals for herself each month, and talks about what they are, and how they helped her, etc. So, I started setting some goals for myself. At this time, I was about 30-35 lbs. overweight, and it depressed me each day. I had a gym pass, but I just had no motivation to go. My goal for the first month was to go to the gym, 3-5 times a week, even if I had to go by myself. I wrote down my goal and posted it next to my bedroom door, so that I could see it every day. As I started working out on a regular basis I started feeling better, emotionally, mentally, and physically. My self-esteem was improving, I was slowly dropping weight and toning out, and it gave me motivation to eat healthier. I was becoming happier. But a month was passing by, and it still felt like I wasn’t quite myself.

Now, while I was inactive, I always knew I would find my way back to the church. I wish I had never fallen away, but we learn from our choices, and keep moving forward. I kept feeling drawn to go back to church, but kept putting it off. Was I really ready to give up my lifestyle? But as each day passed, I knew that I wanted the gospel back in my life. I knew it with every fiber of my being. How could I keep ignoring the truths I knew (have always known), and expect to come out of the negativity I had created in my life? So, I started with baby steps. For the month of September, my list of goals were as follows:

#1. Continue working out 3-5 times a week.

#2. Read your scriptures daily.

#3. Pray each night.

           I was vigilant in keeping my goals. I focused more on them then I thought I was even capable of, and as the weeks went by, I was changing more and more as the hand of God touched my life. I started going back to church, and giving up the things that I knew were harmful to my progress. As I was allowing the gospel back into my life, God was changing me into the person I needed to be. I was happier, even though every step along the way wasn’t easy. There were some things I had to overcome and repent of, but He held me up every step of the way. I’m still pushing to move forward each day. It’s not always easy, and I am by no means perfect. I still fall and struggle with different temptations, as does everyone, but I’ve learned not to give up; not to lose hope. That’s what I did before, was lose all hope, and losing hope is one of the most damning things to one’s soul. We all make mistakes, and some are bigger than others, but that is never a reason to give up on yourself, or on that which matters most. I’ve learned how important it is to make goals, in every shape and form. Whether it’s as small as trying to look for the good in others each day, or as big as going back to school to receive your degree, setting goals improves you in ways that you may have never thought possible, and boosts confidence in yourself, your capabilities. We need goals to grow, and we should never stop learning and growing. I’ve have been so blessed by our Father in Heaven. He doesn’t give up on me, He leads me and guides me, and most important, He loves me and knows of my potential, and wants me to meet that potential! What’s even more humbling, is that He feels the same way about each of His children, and He is more than willing to help us find who we are, and what we can become, as long as we are willing to listen to Him.

           I continue to work on my happiness goals each month, and with each one I set and accomplish, I have the fulfillment to continue moving forward and progressing. I don’t always accomplish each goal, and some really take a lot of work, perseverance, dedication, and yes, failure time and time again. But I’ve learned to not give up. Never give up.