IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

            One of my all-time favorite quotes:

                       

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

                                                -Emerson

            This quote has come to me, time and time again, through many times in my life. The most recent was when I was deciding whether or not to go back to school. I’ve never been completely dedicated to school. All through junior high and high school, I barely passed in the classes I didn’t care for, and I did well in the classes I liked, just because I enjoyed what I was doing. But I’ve never really dived into my education and getting good grades.

            Attending college after I graduated high school was just a step. The next step in life, right? What was expected? What you were “supposed to do”? I attended my first semester and got good grades in a couple classes, and barely passing in the others, just like high school. The next semester was even worse. I stopped going to all classes half way through the semester. Over the next three years I either took a semester off, or would sign up, and just stop going. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just didn’t care. I wasn’t interested in my major, and I really wasn’t interested in school. I only went because I felt like that was what you were supposed to do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do. Either my social life became more important, or I became overwhelmed with school and so gave up, or I had personal situations that would arise and I would attend to those instead. Needless to say, my academic standing was in shambles, and I had a pretty low GPA. I stopped attending college at the age of twenty-one, and I wasn’t planning on going back.

            Years went by. Literally. I was a supervisor for the company I worked for, and doing rather well for myself. I knew that I could move up in the company if I wanted to, and had considered doing so for a long time. But ever so slowly, a desire for school--for knowledge; for learning--started creeping back into my life. Around the age of twenty-four, I thought about trying to go back, but quickly dismissed it. I was on academic probation, I didn’t even know if they would let me in. Not to mention, I had no idea what I wanted to pursue anymore, and because of some bad choices I had made a couple years prior, it was nearly impossible for me to attend school at the moment.

            A year goes by. Past choices are further behind me that made it impossible to go to school, and the thought keeps coming back to me to further my education. Was I ready? Was this what I wanted to do? Was I willing to put forth the time, the effort? I knew that if I went back it was my last shot. All bridges had been burned prior, and if I didn’t show the university that I was serious this time, I would be kicked out. Was that a risk I was willing to take?

            During this time, a dear friend of mine, Tyler Brklacich, was giving me subtle jabs and pokes about going back to school. Any time I would bring up my doubts on whether or not they would let me start again, he would always dismiss them with encouragement. He knew they would let me in, and he would use whatever pull he could to make sure of it.

As a side note, Tyler is now the Student Body President at the Utah Valley University, and he is an individual that continuously touches the lives of all those he meets. He has been an example of kindness and strength to me many times in my life, and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know that I would have gone back to school.

            It was at this time that the quote came to me, again.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

            Yes, I would be going back at the age of twenty-six, and I would still have many years of school ahead of me before I would graduate. Yes, I would have to put a lot of time and effort to be in good-standing with the university again. A lot was being put on the line. But I also knew, without a doubt, that it’s what I needing to do with my life. God was prompting me down a path that I needed to go, and as long as I was willing to do my part, He would help me every inch of the way.

So, I applied to go back to school for the Spring of 2014, after not attending school for over five years. And this time, I have chosen to study Behavioral Science, with a minor in Family Studies. Something I have a passion for; a desire to learn. Was it easy being re-accepted? Not even a little bit. I can’t count how many forms I had to fill out, or how many letters I had to write to the school explaining why I had failed before, and why it would not happen again. Tyler helped me out tremendously with letters of recommendations, time and time again. But by the grace of God, they let me back in.

I share this story because I know at times we question ourselves; we doubt. We doubt what we are capable of, or we give ourselves excuses that “it is too late”. It is never too late. This goes for anything that is going on in our lives. Whether it’s a relationship that needs mending, or a goal you’ve set for yourself that you’ve failed at each time before. It’s never too late. It can be as simple as starting up a talent you’ve always dreamed of, or changing bad habits, or drawing closer to God. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE. And if, in some way you have a desire to improve yourself, and your life, why would you not want to try it? If you turn to your Heavenly Father, and seek His guidance in whatever dreams, goals, or changes you want to make, HE WILL HELP YOU. He is there for each of us; all we need to do is humble ourselves and turn to Him. I have a testimony of this. I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for His hand in my life, and the guidance He has given me. So don’t be afraid to pick up where you left off. Don’t be afraid to achieve. Don’t be afraid to grow.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

Self-Image, and the Road to Recovery

            I’ve felt inclined to write about self-image, and what it’s meant to me throughout my life. This article is going to be very personal, and it will go over very personal details about my life. I want to point out that, in no way do I blame anyone in my life for what has ultimately made me who I am. We are all given tests and trials in this life, and it is how we handle them that shape us for better, or for worse.

            Growing up, I was always a chubby little kid. I don’t know where it started, but I became overly aware of my weight in Elementary School, when I was in fifth grade. I recall my mom taking me to several doctors, and the doctors would ask me questions about what I ate, and give my mom recommendations on my diet. I didn’t understand what was going on, I just knew that I was being told that I was over what I should weigh for someone my age, and that if I continued on that course, I would be more and more over that amount as the years went by. I even went to a specific doctor and had a full physical, with blood drawn, and was placed on a diet plan, where I would actually drink a diet drink each morning. I really didn’t understand much about this at the time, but I didn’t like it. I knew from doctors, that depending on what I ate, and the amount I ate, would ultimately mirror whether or not I would drop down to the weight I was “supposed to be” for my age, height, etc. At that age, I didn’t care about “dieting”. All that mattered to me was recess, cartoons, playing with friends, and fun holidays, not worrying about what I was eating, or what I weighed.

            Take a step back. Over the years, and by stumbling through journals, and coming to know my mom more as we grew and matured, Alex and I know that she had a very rough childhood. Born almost twenty years later than both of her older siblings, she grew up being emotionally abused and brought down by both her sister and her mother. They both gave her a very poor self-image through stories and situations that are not mine to share, but that damaged her through the years. I know that my mom was doing what she thought was best for me in taking me to these doctor’s and putting me on diet plans, because she didn’t want me to be teased and brought down the same way she was. I put no blame on my mother for what these situations have caused. She really was trying to help me, but did not know the rippling effects that would trickle through my life because of these situations. So as I continue with my story, please take my side in putting no blame upon my mother. As a mother, I know you want what is best for your children, and through trial and error, you find out how to give that to them as much as possible. No one is perfect, and again, we are all given situations in our lives that shape us into we become. It’s what we do with those situations, and how we learn and grow, that will ultimately benefit, or break us.

            So, even though I had gone to multiple doctors, was being taught the difference between healthy foods and non-healthy foods, and had been put on a diet, none of it mattered to me. I would still find ways to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. Sometimes I would watch portions, and sometimes I wouldn’t. I could tell it was starting to scare and frustrate my mom, because I couldn’t see that, in her eyes, she really was trying to help me from becoming classified as overweight, and I wasn’t listening. But I was also starting to understand what was happening. I had started coming across situations at school, where kids would call me fat. I don’t remember them specifically, I just know they happened, and that it hurt. I had a particular comment that would stick with me forever. Someone told me that I needed to start losing weight, because boys don’t like chubby girls. From that point on, that has been a phrase that would stay with me through the years. Be careful what you say to others. You really never know the effect it will have on their lives. I’ve had roommates, friends, and even boyfriends, who have said things about my weight, or parts of my body that I am self-conscious about, that I will never forget, and have had very negative effects on how I viewed myself. It is only through my relationship with Christ that I have moved past the milestones in my journey.

Through the rest of elementary I still didn’t focus entirely on dieting, but I was still on diet plans, and I did try to eat healthy. As I moved into junior high, I was very self-conscious of myself, and dreaded PE for the simple fact that I had to change clothes in front of other girls, and I was bigger than them. I felt that everyone around me was skinny, and I wasn’t. No boys liked me, and I still had times where I was being called fat. And in the crazy-mess of adolescence, I started to fall into a mind-set that a lot of girls and women struggle with. I had a very poor self-image, and I felt like I was hopeless in trying to lose weight. So, along with a friend, we started our own “diet plan”. We would eat less than 500 calories per day, and drink mountain dew (which usually took up some of those calories), and go running at night. I dropped pounds quickly, but never told anyone it was because I was nearly starving myself. But, because I have a larger bone structure, and muscle from the sports I’ve played, I could never drop down to the smaller sizes that I was hoping for. It took me years to realize that because of my genetics, that just wasn’t going to be possible, and there is nothing wrong with that.

As the years have passed by, I have struggled with my self-image daily. I stayed around the same weight for most of my high school years, and going into college, it stayed within 10 lbs. But I’ve still always thought that I was chubby. I’ve tried countless diets. Anything from Hydroxycut, to the Atkins’s diet, to a diet that is similar to the HCG. And do you know what I have found out? None of those diets matter. Really. THEY. DO. NOT. MATTER. Do you know what does? The fact that your Father in Heaven loves you for WHO YOU ARE. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or if your thighs don’t touch, or if you can’t fit into a size 0 pant size. None of those things matter! What matters to Him, is who you are on the inside, and who you are becoming, day-in-and-day-out. He wants us each to love ourselves, and our individuality. There is not an image that we are each “suppose to look like”, and Satan is pushing hard to make that the case. It’s wrong, and over the years, and with help from God, I have realized this. It is through this realization that I have slowly started working toward a better self-image.

            In my last blog post, I talked about the goals I had set, and that I was overweight at the time, and through my goals I started dropping weight. This is all true. But in dropping that weight, I did not go on any crazy diets. I ate each day, every meal, but I paid attention to what I was eating. I cut back on fast food, and started taking lunches to work. I tried hard to eat fruits and vegetables each day, and cut back on sweets. I have since bought a juicer, and I try to make green smoothies as often as I can, because I know that I want to eat healthy not intentionally to drop weight, but because I want to have a healthy body, and over the years, and with all of the crazy diets I’ve done, my body has been less than healthy. God gave us our bodies as a gift, and in comparison to a temple, do we not strive to keep a temple clean? That’s similarly how we should treat our bodies, and eating healthy is a big step in that direction. I’ve also had to take on a new look at my body image. I had to stop listening to what the media was telling me, and even what some doctors would say. I’ve found myself looking on websites to see what they consider a healthy weight for someone my age, my height, etc. Don’t do that. My body structure, my genetics, my metabolism, they are all different from yours. Just because it tells me that I should weigh a certain amount, does not mean that I should. That website does not know my body make-up, and so that website should not make an expectation on what I should weigh. I am healthy, I am happy. Do my thighs touch? Yes, they do! And they probably always will! And that is okay. It has taken me a long time to realize it, but it really is okay. We are all different, and no body is the same. Do I still struggle with comparing myself to other girls? Yes, every day. But as I rely on God, and become closer to Him, I have slowly started progressing toward understanding my self-worth, and realizing that I really need to stop comparing. It is also something that is damning to the soul. He has helped me every inch of the way; He has helped transform my negative thought patterns about myself, and has helped my start seeing myself through His eyes. It’s not always easy, I still have tough days, but with our Savior’s help, I can conquer anything.

            Here goes my first post! Please bear with me through each of these. I hope and pray that as I post each one, that not only will they get better with time, but they will be beneficial, helpful, insightful, etc., to someone who reads them.

My Happiness Project: Finding Yourself

Over eight months ago, I was a completely different person. My life was a roller coaster of events, both positive and negative, but I was slowly going down a path in life that I didn’t want to travel, and in doing so, it was changing me into someone I didn’t want to be. So I changed.

Now let’s not jump ahead of ourselves, this was not something that happened overnight, or even within a month. It has been a slow, slow process. I would compare it to the tortoise and the hair, only that the race hasn’t ended yet. But because of the LDS gospel, and our Savior, I have an answer to how it could turn out, if I keep moving forward in the right direction, with my Savior’s help each step of the way.

I was not an active member of the church eight months ago, and this was not my first time being inactive in my life. I have never stopped believing in the gospel, or any of its teachings, but I had decided to take a break from it all. I wasn’t living my life the way I should, and I had made some choices that in turn, caused a negative domino effect toward other choices. I had become a stranger to myself in some ways, and I felt an emptiness--a sadness in my life.

--Now, as a side note, I love self-help books. I love any type of informative book, that helps you learn more about yourself, about others, about improving, expanding your ideas on different things, enlightenment, how the mind works, and the list goes on and on.--

As each day passed, I continued to fall deeper into this black hole of negativity. I stumbled across a book that I had purchased several months before, called, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, and figured it might be worth it to finally start reading. It wasn’t what I had expected, but it was better in so many ways. In a nutshell, this wonderful woman talks about how she wanted to find more happiness in her life, and that it wasn’t just going to fall in her lap, she had to find it, create it, and BE it. She sets goals for herself each month, and talks about what they are, and how they helped her, etc. So, I started setting some goals for myself. At this time, I was about 30-35 lbs. overweight, and it depressed me each day. I had a gym pass, but I just had no motivation to go. My goal for the first month was to go to the gym, 3-5 times a week, even if I had to go by myself. I wrote down my goal and posted it next to my bedroom door, so that I could see it every day. As I started working out on a regular basis I started feeling better, emotionally, mentally, and physically. My self-esteem was improving, I was slowly dropping weight and toning out, and it gave me motivation to eat healthier. I was becoming happier. But a month was passing by, and it still felt like I wasn’t quite myself.

Now, while I was inactive, I always knew I would find my way back to the church. I wish I had never fallen away, but we learn from our choices, and keep moving forward. I kept feeling drawn to go back to church, but kept putting it off. Was I really ready to give up my lifestyle? But as each day passed, I knew that I wanted the gospel back in my life. I knew it with every fiber of my being. How could I keep ignoring the truths I knew (have always known), and expect to come out of the negativity I had created in my life? So, I started with baby steps. For the month of September, my list of goals were as follows:

#1. Continue working out 3-5 times a week.

#2. Read your scriptures daily.

#3. Pray each night.

           I was vigilant in keeping my goals. I focused more on them then I thought I was even capable of, and as the weeks went by, I was changing more and more as the hand of God touched my life. I started going back to church, and giving up the things that I knew were harmful to my progress. As I was allowing the gospel back into my life, God was changing me into the person I needed to be. I was happier, even though every step along the way wasn’t easy. There were some things I had to overcome and repent of, but He held me up every step of the way. I’m still pushing to move forward each day. It’s not always easy, and I am by no means perfect. I still fall and struggle with different temptations, as does everyone, but I’ve learned not to give up; not to lose hope. That’s what I did before, was lose all hope, and losing hope is one of the most damning things to one’s soul. We all make mistakes, and some are bigger than others, but that is never a reason to give up on yourself, or on that which matters most. I’ve learned how important it is to make goals, in every shape and form. Whether it’s as small as trying to look for the good in others each day, or as big as going back to school to receive your degree, setting goals improves you in ways that you may have never thought possible, and boosts confidence in yourself, your capabilities. We need goals to grow, and we should never stop learning and growing. I’ve have been so blessed by our Father in Heaven. He doesn’t give up on me, He leads me and guides me, and most important, He loves me and knows of my potential, and wants me to meet that potential! What’s even more humbling, is that He feels the same way about each of His children, and He is more than willing to help us find who we are, and what we can become, as long as we are willing to listen to Him.

           I continue to work on my happiness goals each month, and with each one I set and accomplish, I have the fulfillment to continue moving forward and progressing. I don’t always accomplish each goal, and some really take a lot of work, perseverance, dedication, and yes, failure time and time again. But I’ve learned to not give up. Never give up.

MARCH ON

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t keep going? … That enduring through this day could be one of the hardest things you would ever have to do? Have you ever lost hope? We often find ourselves in moments of desperation, depression, anxiety and sorrow. But I want to tell you that you are not alone in these thoughts. Throughout my life I have seen some of God’s greatest warriors feel as though they will crumble carrying feelings such as these. This I do know- God gives great battles to his strong soldiers because He knows their potential. As Elder Holland assures us, “In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.” (Oct. 2013 General Conference, Like A Broken Vessel.)

I have been in those moments of desperation. They are real and they paralyze us sometimes to our very core. We must not diminish feelings such as these but recognize that they soon will pass… that is a promise! We will have obstacles, we will have trials and disappointments, but just as sure as the sun will rise in the eastern sky: there is hope that will cast out your darkest nights.

I have felt the suffocating power that takes place through insecurities, anxieties and depression. I have carried the weight upon my back that I never thought would be removed. I have ached body and soul to understand my potential, my weaknesses and my sufferings… and this I do know: all these things shall be for our good and shall give us experience. Joseph Smith, a prophet of God who restored the Church of Jesus Christ back to the earth again today, felt feelings such as these. During 1839 the saints were going through horrible persecution: men, woman and children were being torn from there houses and beaten on the streets, watching their houses burn behind them as they were driven from place to place. You can only imagine what the helpless dear Joseph must have felt as he suffered there in Liberty Jail. He exclaimed: O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? (Doctrine & Covenants 121:1-3)

Don’t you feel that you have been here too? Crying out this same prayer…

Just as clear and as peaceful as the answer came to Joseph Smith that cold March day, the same will come to you and me: My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. (Doctrine & Covenants 121:7-9).

“…These moments will be but small, my child” I often hear Him whisper to me. He will bring the same peace and knowledge to ease your mind as well.

Through out my life I watched my mother suffer from many mental and physical illnesses that inflict her body. As a child I never understood her sufferings and why she felt the way she did. Sadly I held onto these ignorant feelings for quite sometime and never opened by mind to understand her. I was young and confused. It wasn’t until I reached High School and even further into college when I began to feel my own anxieties and depression that I began to understand my dear mother. I was able to have my eyes opened to an angel of God who had to suffer each day of her life to make it through. Each day was a battle on the warfront just to get out of bed… and yet, she endured and kept going each and every day, even when she felt like all hope was lost. She relied upon the arms of her Savior to carry her through… why? Because, THAT IS WHAT HE DOES FOR US. He carries us, He heals us, and He gives hope and life to the feeble and depressed. When we are stricken, afflicted, tormented and oppressed, He knows how to succor and come to our aid. He knows ever so perfectly how to comfort our weary hearts and bring us hope through His Atonement. Why need we fear? Why think we can fight this battle on our own? I testify, that He is there. If we feel that we must face these battles and struggles on our own we are all but wrong! We must not mock our God, for He gave us our Savior to provide the way of comfort and healing. We must turn to Him in these times of depression and hardship, because He will never fail us.

I have seen some of my very best friends carry their burdens of eating disorders, Pornography addictions, Same-sex attraction, Alcoholism, etc.  And never in my life have I seen some of our Father’s strongest soldiers, then when I look at them. They keep going even when it hurts; even when they're confused. It’s through these moments that I see true Disciples of Christ, who suffer and carry their cross, just as HE DID. We often find ourselves in a hole we thought we would never get into again… a pit of addiction and temptation, we feel like we have fallen once again and it’s been too many times. BUT NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. Because no matter how many times we fall, there is never a point when you have gone too far from the love of God to reach you. He loves you more than you will ever know. It is in these times when we find ourselves in these pits that He comes along and offers us a ladder. But not only does He offer a ladder to get us out of this pit, He comes down into the pit to stand by our side and help us out. He does not desert us even in our moments of weakness.

Elder Holland once again assures our weary hearts, “…when you struggle, when you are rejected, when you are spit upon and cast out and made a hiss and a byword, you are standing with the best life this world has ever known. The only pure and perfect life ever lived.” (Ensign, March 2001. Missionary Work and The Atonement).

Yes! This is YOU. We can prevail by brother and sister. There is hope among the battlefield…

I woke up this morning sick body and soul and saw a day ahead of me that I wasn’t sure I could take on. I wanted to wrap my blanket around my head, take some Nyquil and say goodbye to the world for the day. I had a thought come to me as tears came down my face: “You are weak, you cannot do this…” But, ever so instantly in that very second did I have a complete peace come over me head to heel and whisper: “I am with you, I will carry you through.” And I feel this. I feel this at this very moment as I write… My Savior and Redeemer is carrying me through. He not only is carrying me spiritually, but He is also carrying this sleep-deprived and sick body of mine. I feel a strength that I cannot even express properly into words… because it is from Heaven above.

There is HOPE. There is LIGHT. There is JOY to be found and felt each day… it will come as we rely upon the arms of our Shepherd. We must not give up… WE MUST NOT EVER GIVE UP. Keep going, solider. You are not alone, my friend. I am fighting on this battlefield with you, and He is here.

I listen to this song over and over again this morning, and as the lyrics state by Katherine Nelson (Soldier Girls):

Driven thru the wild rain

As we cross the river 


Storm ahead and clouds on our backs

Only grow stronger 


Still we march on through like thunder 


`Til the battle bids us come 



We go in the face of fear 


Drawn swords and our souls unfurled

 We carry the hope of years 


We’re soldier girls 



Covered the fields and the floods

 Just to wade in the trenches 


We danced when our feet carried on 


And sang when they couldn’t

With our hemlines drenched in mud 


We reached for God from where we stood …

Oh you wounded fallen ones

Close your eyes 


Hear the battle drum 


The cadence calling us

March on 


March on 


Oh you wounded broken ones

Still glinting in the sun 


Live trying `til we’ve won 


March on 


March on